In truth i had wanted to make this entry on friday night. There was so much i had thought about, so much to say but i didnt because i felt blogging in anger was foolish and would only exacerbate my already horrible state. Pants reminded me that i should still blog about it because it stands testament to the passage of time and the occurance of events so here i am.
I was asked by someone i trust whether this end result makes me happier. I thought about that in great detail and here's my answer. Nothing could make me unhappier than what i decided to do. I never wanted seperation because regardless of all that has transpired i am still absolutely addicted to her presence. I enjoyed our time together in an almost unhealthy way. Nevertheless it was becoming excruciatingly painful to interact. Every word, every action, the false pretenses of ignorance. Pretending it all never happened was inconceivably painful for me but what hurt more was that it seemed to mean nothing to her. I envy the ability to sweep everything under the rug. No matter how strong a person you are, the fact that you can dismiss something so important so casually is a remarkably strong indicator that it didnt mean very much at all. That was the straw that broke the camels's back so to speak. I've never been hurt that way before so that was a first. Thinking getting stabbed many times in the same spot with a salt encrusted dagger possesing a serated edge. Thats about it i think.
My question then becomes why set me up in the first place? Why do all those things that create such a monumental fall for me. Everything that shouldnt have been said or shouldnt have been done. The things that repeat in my head again and again and again, torturing me everytime. What didnt i do? Or perhaps i did too much? I did everything that was within my power to try and shift the edifice just an inch further. I am who i am and theres nothing to be done about that but i compromised on so many things. Worked so hard on so many things. For what? For an illusion of a chance?
Well its over now, not because i wanted it that way but because words were being spoken and things being done to ensure that there was no plausible alternative. How incredibly selfish to conceive the notion that everything could just pop back into its original position as and when things turned sour. Doesnt it sound like wanting to hold the cake and eat it at the same time? Innocence once lost can never be regained. I'm leaving all the anger and all the regret here. Taking it with me is senseless lest as a warning to be more careful with my feelings in the future. Give it to someone callous and they will grind it to powder.
I truly wish that everything could go back to the way it was before. Before the first pawn was pushed i had conceived this in situation in my head. Now theres a gulf between that seems insurmountable but its funny that the very trait i found so appealing is now so much in absence. Compassion for others but not for me. I remember saying something like this before.
The irony is that i'm still waiting for a miracle. For something to happen that will change the dynamic. But as Dad keeps telling me we live in a realistic world where miracles dont happen. What will we do when all the dreamers are dead? There will be no dream to lead us in the future.
I wish you well in everything you do. I hope that you will never sit somewhere and think back on all this with regret for an opportunity missed. Dont become one of those bitter people sitting on the sidelines watching those they know happy, knowing they could have had that happiness themselves. For all that has happened those memories are to me sacrosant and no matter how much they hurt, i wouldnt trade them for anything.